Words are all i have.

He sits by the lake-side,
And wonders at the world’s disasters…

Words, words, words and more words. When will all the action come? Where has all the intent gone?

Negativity. Nihilism. Nothingness.
Positivity. Vivacity. Bubbling with life.
Do these things matter in the long run?
Does it matter who you are? Or should one be content to be a mere drop in the ocean.
Why all this striving? This ambition. This desire to be.
To be a SOMEONE. Ultimately you have to die. All that lives on is mere memories. Just memories, which exist for only those who really remembered you; for those who really and truly have a spare moment for you. It all boils down to non-existentialism. Seems so futile and unnecessary. Life. Life is for the living. But, shouldn’t there be some driving force. Some director who goads – no, guides – you on? Furnishes you with the necessary fire of energy? Of enthusiasm. Of ambition. Of desire. To be spurred on?

I wouldn’t mind, this moment, to be on a nomadic cloud. Drifting on high. With an aimless, lazy course across the firmament. Peeking in here, joining in there. A participant yet an aloof one. Involved and yet solitary. Unscathed and untouched by the pettiness (?) around. Sure, it mayn’t be trifle for the rest of the world. But for me – true – I’m disengaged from actuality. From the so-called Reality of this life.

Well, right now, I’m feeling pure negation. And this piece of writing is witness.

Confusion. Should I be – my old happy-go-lucky gay(?) self? Or should I be(come) a changed person, wrought by and overcome by the usual rigours of a humdrum lifestyle.

I want to be FREE. From the shackles of routine and convention. From the restriction of a 9-5 job.

I want to get over the ordeal of doubt. Finish the test and get a confirmation, do the needful and rest in satisfaction – peace of mind.